"On the outside, I was still a top-tier player. On the inside, I was still that kid in Minnesota hiding," the player wrote in his coming-out statement.
Jesse Kortuem, a real-life hockey player who walked away from the sport out of fear that he couldn't reconcile his athletic career and sexuality, has now shared a post coming out as gay — and credited Heated Rivalry for inspiring him.
"I know many closeted and gay men in the hockey world are being hit hard by Heated Rivalry's success," Kortuem tells Out. "Never in my life did I think something so positive and loving could come from such a masculine sport. I've struggled the last few weeks to put these emotions into words, fearing the impact on team dynamics, etc."
Kortuem adds, "Today, I took the step to finally tell my hockey journey and my story. I'm beyond grateful for all the positive comments I've received from past teammates and high school teammates."
Read Jesse Kortuem's full coming-out statement below, after the image.
Jesse Kortuem's coming-out statement.
In hockey, there is nothing like hitting the ice after the Zamboni leaves behind a fresh, smooth sheet of ice. For many hockey players, the sound of skates carving on that fresh ice is just a normal part of warm-ups before a game or practice. But for me, it is the sound of a place where I felt I had to hide.
I want to start by saying a massive thank you to The Cutting Edges Hockey Club for hosting me this past weekend at their Winter Classic in Sun Peaks, BC. Standing on the ice, wearing your jersey that represents both my sport and my community, felt like a bridge being built over a gap I had lived with for decades
I am a private person. Those who know me best know that I don’t share much if anything publicly on social media, but lately, something has sparked in me (ok – yes credit to #HeatedRivalry). I realized it is finally time to share a journey I have kept close to the vest for a long time.
To any hockey player, the sounds of the rink and the feel of cold air are unmistakable. The slapshots, the pucks hitting the boards, the skates carving fresh ice, and the high-pitched clang of a puck hitting the post bring immense comfort. For a long time, however, the rink did not feel like a place where I could be all of me. I felt I had to hide parts of myself for far too long.
Growing up as the youngest of four boys in the #StateOfHockey (Minnesota), sports and competition were not just what we did. They were who we were. As a young teenager, I carried a weight that did not seem to fit into that world, and I lived in a constant state of dichotomy.
"I loved the game, but I lived with a persistent fear. I wondered how I could be gay and still play such a tough and masculine sport."
To my younger self, that identity could never be revealed. I did not think those two worlds could occupy the same person, let alone the same locker room. Coming out in the 2000s did not feel like an option, especially with so little positive representation in the media at the time and it would have been a social disaster at such a large high school. At 17, I walked away from the high school team and the brotherhood of hockey friendships I had developed from a young age for a myriad of reasons.
Years later, while living in New York and Atlanta, I found myself back on the ice playing at a high level. While I was out to many people around me in my life at that point, I still could not bring myself to be fully out on my adult hockey teams. On the outside, I was still a top-tier player. On the inside, I was still that kid in Minnesota hiding. Like many closeted athletes, revealing who I truly was to my team would change everything in an instant, their opinion of me, could bring negative attention to the team with the “gay player”, so I never took the chance. I spent every week in a locker room with guys I respected, yet I still did not feel safe enough to tell them who I truly was. Even when the conversation turned to wives, families, or dating, I would quickly change the subject. If it came down to it, I would just tell them I was single, even when I was seeing someone.
"I spent every week in a locker room with guys I respected, yet I still did not feel safe enough to tell them who I truly was."
The road from that teenager in Minnesota to the man I am today has not been so clear of a path. It involved a lot of searching, a lot of struggle, things I look back on that I’m not happy about, and the difficult work of reconciling my past with my truth.
The struggle to reconcile these two halves of my life reached a breaking point in 2017. I was ready to just remain a closeted player in straight leagues for good, or even worse, hang up the skates forever. I decided to give a gay hockey tournament one last shot by signing up last minute for the #SinCityClassic, a gay sports event held annually in Las Vegas with the hockey tournament sponsored by the #LABlades. I had been to a few gay tournaments before, but never really meshed with people.
This tournament would prove to be a paradigm shift. I met a group of guys from across the US and Canada (Las Vegas Boyz) who were hockey players like me and were also gay. From that moment forward, my life has never been the same. It has been a long, vulnerable road to move past the closeted athlete persona (something I’m still working on today) and find actual peace through the friendships I have developed through hockey in Vancouver (Cutting Edges), Toronto (Misfits), and across the U.S.
"From that moment forward, my life has never been the same."
This past weekend at Sun Peaks was so much more than just a few hockey games. Standing on that ice, I realized I have finally found my peace. Thank you again to The Cutting Edges Hockey Club for the incredible weekend and for the reminder that there is room for all of us on the ice.
This is my story. It is not everyone’s story, but for what it is worth, I thought I would share because I want to speak to the athletes out there who are still in the closet or struggling to find their way. I want you to know that there is hope and you’re not alone. There is a life and a deep happiness waiting for you on your path. You will get through this, and it is going to be okay.
This article originally appeared on Out: Heated Rivalry inspires real-life hockey player to come out as gay
Category: General Sports
