A Royals fan’s guide to cheering for multiple teams

According to family lore, the first team I ever rooted for was the St. Louis Cardinals, the football version. See, I entered this crazy world on a Sunday around 11 a.m. back when the Cardinals still played in Missouri, and about an hour later, my parents and I—well, I’m guessing just my father—turned on the Cardinals versus Cowboys.

In their last season opener before leaving for the desert, the Cardinals topped the ‘Boys, 24-13.

But outside of Super Bowl XLIII, I’ve never rooted for those Cardinals.

The other St. Louis Cardinals, well, now that’s a different story.

I’ve rooted for that baseball team my entire life. I’ve attended far more Cardinals games than Royals games. Until about 2010, when it became clear that I’d be staying in Kansas City, the Cardinals were my primary team. At that point, though, I switched. I wanted to be a fan of the team in the city (or area) where I resided.

Still, I cheer on the Cardinals. I won’t get too much into it, but the last few years have been painful for the franchise, and now they’re doing something they really haven’t done during my lifetime—rebuilding. Like, a full-scale, tear-it-down-to-the-studs rebuild. It’s probably for the best for the franchise to do that, and yet it’s still…weird, I guess, to see it happening.

So, yes, I root for two Major League Baseball teams, the Kansas City Royals and the St. Louis Cardinals.

And so can you!

I’ve devised a set of completely objective (subjective) rules grounded in science (eh) that will allow you to root for multiple teams in the same league without feeling bad (debatable) about it.

This stems from a) me rooting for both the Royals and Cardinals and b) one of my sisters insisting that it’s okay to root for both the Kansas City Chiefs and the Denver Broncos, when it’s actually SACRILEGIOUS.

Here are the rules:

Rule No. 1: Hereditary

You can of course root for a team that you’ve been raised to cheer. This happened to me. I never lived in St. Louis but rooted for the Cardinals because that was my dad’s team, my mom’s team. Of my large family, I was the only one not born in St. Louis. I didn’t have much of a choice even after we moved to Kansas City.

If you find yourself born in, let’s say, San Francisco to a pair of expats from Seattle, let your Mariners’ flag fly. But don’t forget about the Giants. Different leagues, so it’s okay! When the two teams face each other, well, go with your gut.

Rule No. 2: Geography is King

If you want to root for two teams in the same league, those teams shouldn’t be that close in proximity. You can’t root for the Dodgers and the Angels. (Do the Angels have fans?) Or the Rams and Chargers. (Do the Chargers have fans?) It’s too weird to cheer on the New York Rangers and the New York Islanders. Giants and Jets. You get the idea.

Pick the team in your own backyard and forget the neighbor who’s within walking distance. Too awkward.

Rule No. 3: The Yankees Directive

I’m sorry, but if you root for the Yankees, you cannot cheer for another team. You are a Yankees fan. There’s nothing worse, and you are forbidden from cheering on another baseball team. When the Bronx Bombers’ season ends, you must turn off your TV and radio until after the World Series.

This can be extended to all other North American professional sports leagues, including other teams in baseball. If you root for the Red Sox, that’s it. The same goes for the Dodgers. You’re the new Evil Empire, which I’m sure doesn’t bother you, but there’s no other team for you.

In the NFL: the Cowboys, of course. Probably the Patriots.

In the NBA: Lakers, Celtics, Knicks.

In the NHL: either of those Florida teams. I would include Toronto, but they haven’t won anything in like 100 years.

Sorry, I don’t make the rules. Wait—[listens to voices in my head]—I’m being told I do make the rules.

Rule No. 4: Same Division (NFL and MLB only)

You can’t root for two teams in the same division. That’s just wrong. If you’re a Royals fan, you can’t cheer on the Twins or Guardians or Tigers or White Sox unlessit’s the playoffs against the Yankees or Dodgers or Red Sox.

This is even more of a thing in the NFL. If you cheer for the Chiefs, forget about the Chargers (which is easy) and the Raiders and the Broncos. You can root for the Raiders and Chargers against the Cowboys but you can never cheer for the Broncos. Seriously, if Max would let me cuss, I would do that here.

But this rule for divisions only applies to only MLB and the NFL.

Why? Because I can’t even name all of the divisions in the NHL—is the Patrick still a thing?—and I don’t think divisions matter anymore in the NBA when it comes to playoff seeding. Maybe it does, but it’s not nearly as big of a deal as it is in baseball and football.

Rule No. 5: Wedded Bliss

Strange as it sounds, there are people out there who will marry someone who roots for a different team than their own. My wife and I have never had this problem, though she is vehemently anti-St. Louis, for reasons she hasn’t shared or she’s shared, but I wasn’t listening.

Still, I’ve seen Mizzou fans marry Kansas fans, Royals fans marry White Sox or Yankees fans, Cardinals fans marry Cubs fans, and even Chiefs fans marry Broncos fans. Oh, big sis.

Does this civil union in love allow you to break these rules and add that second team to your stable of teams for which you root?

Absolutely not.

Stand your ground, dang it! Keep some autonomy. Keep thy independence! Tigers should never root for Jayhawks. Royals should never hope that the best happens to the Yankees. We want them to fail, always!

Love shouldn’t change that.

Rule No. 6: No Kroenkes Allowed

Sorry, Enos.

If you root for one of the following teams, you cannot root for another: Rams, Avalanche, Nuggets, and, for our European friends, Arsenal.

Rule No. 7: Chaos

You must never root for your team’s biggest rival even if that team is facing a Yankees-esque opponent. In that case, root for pure chaos.

Blues fan, but the Red Wings are facing the Lightning for the Eastern Conference title? I’m sorry, but you can’t cheer on either team. You must hope chaos reigns.

Cardinals fan, but the Cubs are squaring off against the Dodgers in the pennant for the right to face the Red Sox in the World Series? May God have mercy on your soul.

Chiefs fan, but the Broncos are hosting the Patriots in the AFC Championship game in which the trophy is named after your team’s founding owner?

Say, have you heard about this thing they call alcohol?